a single man

Single V.S. Married

SINGLE

* 1. Single means you have the time to grow and be the person you want to be.

* 2. Single gives you space to grow. It is harder to grow when you are too close to someone.

* 3. Single means learning to live by yourself.

* 4. Single means freedom.

* 5. Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful.

* 6. Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better.

* 7. Single means that there could be something wonderful around

the corner and you can take advantage of it.

* 8. Single means you are free to love again.

* 9. Single means you have more time to care for other people.

* 10. Single means you can be a good aunt/uncle.

MARRIAGE

* 1. Marriage is not a word, but a sentence. (Life sentence)

* 2. Marriage is very much like a violin, after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

* 3. Marriage is love, love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

* 4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's and the woman gets her asters.

* 5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

* 6. Marriage Certificate is just another name for a work permit.

* 7. Marriage is not just having a wife but also inherited worries forever.

* 8. Marriage requires a man to purchase 4 types of "Ring" - engagement ring, wedding ring, suffe-ring and endu-ring.

* 9. Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration.

* In the first year, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* And in the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

* 10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

* 11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You ordered what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wished you had ordered that.

*12. It's true, all men are born free and equal some of them get married.

*13. There was this man who muttered a few words in church and found himself married. A year later, he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

*14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking, the husband gives and the wife takes.

* 15. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

* 16. They say that when a man holds a woman's and before marriage. It is love. After marriage is self-defense.

* 17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

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Single or married - for better or worse?

by Viv Griskop

As more of us are avoiding marriage, divorcing or choosing to live alone, Viv Groskop asks whether one state is really better than the other

Ever since the Bridget Jones phenomenon catapulted single life into the British mainstream, the single vs couple debate has raged. Numerous surveys and reports have been carried out to prove that singles are happier, or that couples have a longer life expectancy. And now that uncovering the secrets of human happiness has become one of the key agendas for psychologists and governments, research budgets are increasing.

In 2004 there were seven million people living alone in Britain, nearly four times as many as in 1961, according to relationship research organisation One Plus One. And, as Barbara Feldon pointed out in her bestselling book 'Living Alone and Loving It', there are tens of millions of people living alone in the world, many more than are living in nuclear families. As cultural perceptions shift, so do our expectations of coupledom and solitude. Meanwhile, as divorce rates rise, and the two-parent family declines, the traditional view of marriage as the most desirable state has been thrown into question.

The positive outcome? Being single and proud has finally been accepted as a viable life choice. The downside is that many of us feel more confused than ever. On the one hand there is the idealised life of the carefree, independent woman, yet we still grow up conditioned by fairytales, classic novels and Hollywood movies to believe that 'happy ever after' means happily married. So is there an answer to this uniquely modern debate? Which is better for your long-term happiness and mental health, being single or being part of a couple?

For Rachel, 47, a teacher from Nottingham whose 12-year marriage ended in 2000, the benefits of being single are obvious. 'I'm much happier when I'm independent. I can make my own decisions, I don't have to compromise: I can go on a last-minute weekend to Paris with friends, or decide to leave my job tomorrow and travel around India. I don't have to answer to anyone.'

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Certainly, research suggests that single women enjoy themselves and cope better psychologically than single men. Some of the most recent research, carried out in 2004 by the University of London and published in 'The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health', surveyed 4,000 men and women under the age of 65. It concluded that women who remain single throughout most of their lives display good mental health compared to married women, while the happiness gap between single and married men is much more pronounced. Yet women were more adversely affected by moving in and out of several relationships, leading some researchers to speculate that single women are happiest if they stay single, rather than if they have many short-term relationships.

However, the majority of research has found that, for both men and women, the most beneficial state in terms of physical and psychological wellbeing, financial gain and longevity, is marriage. A recent survey by Professor Andrew Oswald, who has written widely on the 'economics of happiness', likened the benefits of marriage on our mental health to the equivalent of an annual cash injection of ?0,000. In terms of our physical health, he says, it gives as much of a boost as giving up smoking. His 2005 study on the subject concluded that those who are married earn more than single people, have better physical and psychological health, better longevity and reported happiness.

It would seem that the love, security and unconditional support of a long-term relationship is good for us. Nattavudh Powdthavee of the University of Warwick surveyed more than 9,000 people this year as part of the British Household Panel Survey, and concluded that there is also some sort of 'happiness by osmosis' in married relationships: 'When our partner becomes happier through something that does not affect our own happiness directly (a good day at work, for example), then we also become happier too (merely because he is happier with his life). The effects do not seem to vary with age or gender.'

The majority of research has found that, for both men and women, the most beneficial state in terms of physical and psychological wellbeing, financial gain and longevity, is marriage However, both of these studies found that cohabiting couples do not seem to reap the same benefits as married couples. One theory is that optimistic people tend to marry ?people who would have better physical and psychological health anyway. Another is that the difference lies in the tangible security offered by a marriage certificate.

But, according to Brett Kahr, a psychotherapist at the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, researchers are missing the point when they focus on your significant other as the source of happiness and mental wellbeing. In fact, he argues, it wouldn't matter if it was a number of significant others ?what we need to be happy is that sense of security. 'We all have an inherent need for attachment,' he explains. 'We need people to take an interest in us, to look after us and to keep us in mind.' We need to feel we are the most important person to at least one other person. And what research is now hoping to uncover, he says, is whether single people can get the same level of attachment from a close friend, or group of friends, as a couple can get from each other.

For Kahr, what is important is not your outer state ?married or single ?but 'the kind of images, role models and internal figures you have in your head'. If these are positive and well-balanced representations of relationships, friendships and the other people in your life, you are more likely to be a happy person, regardless of whether you are married or not. If you carry contradictory, self-deprecating messages in your head ?'My parents divorced, therefore all marriages fail' or 'My partner gives me security, but I can't live without him' ?then you are more likely to be unhappy.

The important thing is not whether you actually possess what psychologists call a 'central relationship', but how healthily you relate to that person, or to being single, in your own mind. Kahr argues that it is possible to feel alone in a marriage, and fulfilled when single: neither the state of togetherness or that of solitude guarantees happiness. How you interpret the situation is key.

Susannah, a 36-year-old jeweller, says her friends would call her 'happily married', but admits that she doesn't always feel that way. 'When my husband is around I feel like we're a contented, secure couple. But he goes away on business for weeks on end, leaving me feeling frustrated and lonely. Sometimes I wonder whether the good times outweigh the bad.'

Janet Reibstein, psychologist and author of 'The Best Kept Secret: Men and Women's Stories of Lasting Love' (?2.99, Bloomsbury), says the positive thing about relationships is that they tend to give us a safe base from which to explore the rest of the world. Single people usually don't have this, she argues. When they do ?by cultivating a select network of friends ?it is a real fight for them to maintain the secure structure that automatically exists in a stable couple: 'I think single people can create substitute situations, but they have to work at it constantly.'

This does not mean, however, that all people in relationships are by definition happier than singles. 'We don't want to get down to a simplistic equation where we are saying that being in a couple is better than not being in one,' says Reibstein. 'Because being in the wrong couple can destroy your sense of security, especially if you're in a frustrating relationship where you are always seeking and not getting.'

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This is where we come down to the happiness hierarchy: asking whether we're better off in a couple or single is a bit like asking whether a mother is the best person to look after a child, says Reibstein. Of course the optimum carer for a child is its mother (just as relationships are the optimum state for humans). But this doesn't mean that the child wouldn't be equally well looked after by other carers (singles have just as many chances at happiness, providing they create strong networks of support that imitate partnership).

If we are going to play good, better, best: a happy partnership (and, in fact, the socially recognised form of marriage) is statistically best, but happy singledom can be equally fulfilling. Next comes miserable singledom. But the worst condition, it seems, is an unhappy relationship.

Ultimately, the experts agree, mental wellbeing comes down to your attitude to life, which may be influenced by your marital status (or lack thereof), but is not exclusively defined by it. If you tend to assume that the grass is always greener ?if you're married and envy your single friends, for example, then you're less likely to be satisfied. 'If you are settled, you do not have anxieties about your own deficiencies, as you might if you were unhappily single, or as you might about someone else's deficiences, in an unhappy relationship,' says Reibstein.

A key psychological definition of happiness is a willingness to explore life, to maintain curiosity and be alive to new experiences. While single life allows greater freedom to do this, a long-term, doubt-free relationship gives many people a level of confidence and openness to life they may otherwise lack. Each state has its unique benefits, so perhaps even asking the question of who is happier ?therefore dwelling on what lies on the other side of the fence ?makes us less happy. Perhaps we should focus not on what we lack, but on what we can gain from the situation we find ourselves in.